One reader's misery and experience of compulsive eating and the diet trap

Just after Christmas, I received a lengthy and emotional email from a reader of my blog, a lady - let's call her 'Susan' - who feels extremely desperate about her weight and over-eating. I was deeply touched by the fact that Susan had contacted me as a result of what she has read on Chocolate and Beyond, but also my heart went out for her because of the very terrible place she feels she is in right now.

Susan told me that she was in "month three of an eating binge that feels like a runaway train" and says "I am scared that I will be on this perpetual cycle forever." She said she feels disgusted at her body, and that "I look so awful anyway I might as well just carry on eating."

Susan mentioned that she was wondering whether to buy yet another diet book, but instead has chosen to start re-reading Beyond Chocolate. However, she is currently feeling like to be an 'intuitive eater' (or a 'normal eater', as I think I'd now prefer to say), is an impossible dream. She has written to me that "To have a normal, healthy relationship with food whereby it doesn't consume the majority of my waking hours would be amazing and joyous but also seems like a fantasy."

I'm no expert, and I only have my own experience to go off, but I wrote a lengthy email back to Susan with some of the suggestions of things that had worked for me to stop being so obsessed with dieting and food. For example, when I first started this process over four years ago, to get away from seeing some foods as 'forbidden' I had to stock my fridge with those very foods, and I literally ate them as my meals until they became ordinary.

There was a particular time that I did this with egg custards, and taramasalta (amongst others), and while it may seem excessive, it was exactly what I needed to do to reach the point that I'm now at. Some friends say things like "Oh, I can never have chocolate in because I'll just eat it all at once" and that's excatly the mentality I wanted to get away from.

My cupboards are still full of many uneaten Christmas chocolates - I eat them when I like, but never feel compelled to eat them all at once 'because the diet starts tomorrow'. It's simple, if you don't plan to diet, you don't need to consume food as if you'll never get a chance to eat it again (which you invariably do, but then you feel out of control, guilty and are probably bingeing). And like Susan, that disgust you then have with yourself sets about this horrible perpetual cycle.

I think that to be on a perpetual diet - for most people - is an impossible dream. Yes, there are a few people who seem to manage it (usually celebrities like Liz Hurley whose multi-million pound incomes rely on staying skinny) but these people are still totally obsessed with food. Even the very yawnsome Liz talks about food in the media constantly, and admits she goes to bed hungry.

Happiness REALLY does not come in a size 8 package, or at a particular number on the scales. Even if you're very overweight, you still have to change that way of thinking before you can start to eat in a normal way - without dieting - that will bring you to a NORMAL weight. And I stress the *normal* because stick-thin, unless naturally achieved without dieting, excessive exercise or food obsession, isn't normal.

Susan, I hope my email back to you was of some help. You must start to love yourself as you are, first and foremost, and think about all the good things you have (like your husband who loves you, whatever your weight). And then work on the principles to help you become a normal eater without dieting.

Comments

[Sarah]

It feels like a lifetime ago since I felt exactly the same way. I feel for her. It's taken me years and years to get where I am now. And it's still something I need to work at. Even now there may be a slip where I decide to diet or miss a meal to lose weight. But luckily I realise it and stop it before it becomes an unhealthy behaviour. Food no longer has any power over me. I still want to lose weight but I do it in ways that I won't notice like smaller portions, walking more, etc. And it's especially difficult this time of year when absolutely everyone is on a diet or is telling you about how much weight they have lost doing x y and z. But i know that it comes with a price namely obsession, negativity and unhappiness. I'm happier now than I was when I was 4 stone lighter. Sorry to rabble on. Don't know where that came from. Hope you had a good Xmas and new year. X

[Andrea Wren]

Thanks for commenting Sarah, and I know exactly what you're saying. I also still occasionally go back to old-thinking, it's a force of habit, but like you, I'm so much wiser now about what is actually healthier behaviour, so I quickly challenge that thinking. It's an on-going process.

As well, I'm much happier now than when I was struggling to keep to a particular weight (about one and a half stone less than I am now). I envisaged this weight was my route to a perfect life and I spent so many futile hours trying to achieve it.

Times like Christmas used to be a nightmare. Now, I choose to over-indulge and eat when not hungry, but it's never in an obsessive or bingeing way. I actually 'allow' myself to gain a bit of weight at Christmas. I know that as soon as I go back to normal eating, it will come off. The idea of a few extra pounds at Christmas doesn't scare me, and through that, comes freedom.

Glad you're doing well Sarah, and I hope your comment offers hope to the lady who wrote to me.

[Smith Lottery]

I want her to better life.

[Kurt Lao]

This is a very inspiring post Andrea. Well it's been exactly one year. Any updates on Susan? I hope she is doing better with your health advice. Anyway, it seems that Susan, based on the email, has lost a lot of self-respect. I think it's important that she gets it back. Having a healthy safe-image would permeate towards developing healthy eating habits.

[Jenny]

One should be careful of what they digest, you'll never know when and how it will affect your life in the long run.